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Tuesday, January 23, 2007
just some thoughts again
Hmm..so many thoughts, which i can't tell anyone..first things, i'm feeling quite sad now..i don't really know exactly why, but i do know that it's because of sydney again...sometimes i really wonder if i should really wait, in the hope that perhaps someday she might like me back..is it foolish of me?..perhaps..but like i was telling audrey n jiajun, i really think that if sydney & i never ever get together, i'll just stay single.. honestly, i've never ever given so much of my time, my thoughts, my concern..etc to any other person..but sydney just doesn't seem to care...sometimes i really feel that to her, i'm worth even less then her other friends..i mean, it's 3 weeks into the sememster..i dunnoe what times she comes to school, what times she goes back, or even what modules she takes..(besides ps2246, which we take together)..furthermore, i din even know she would take ps2246..it's like when i asked her if we could do any modules together, she was like "haha..can't liao..i've finished all my level 2 modules"..then in the end she took together with her other friend..hmm.. i always remember the song my cell once sang for a wedding..it's extracted from first corinthians..Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it isn't blind. It is not selfish, nor is it rude..its sacrifice is not always understood...etc..hmm..what constitutes patience?..i've waited 6 yrs..is tt long enough?..sydney says she knows i'm sincere abt her, and one of the most patient..but so?..she just doesn't feel anything for me..sigh..i sometimes wish i had never ever started to have feelings for her...God, why did you put such pain in me?..this pain is sometimes just too much for me to bear..so many times i've had thoughts of suicide, just because i couldn't take the pain..i know it's a cowardly act, as well as a sin..but it's just too painful..God, when Jesus came down to earth, did He experience these too?..if God is Love, then why does God hurt me so much?..i really cannot comprehend..it's true that i've strayed away a lot from God..but sometimes i just cannot feel Him..i cannot feel the presence of love in this world..it's always so cold!..God, i'm freezing..show me some warmth please!!.. Oh, guess what made me sad again now?..it sounds stupid, but just now i tried calling sydney to share with her something interesting..then she couldn't talk, cos she was at the movies..n in my head, i started wondering who she went with..sounds dumb doesn't it?..sigh..i know that people always say that if you love someone, you should always just let her go..if she's yours, she will come back..but that is hard to do...sigh..jiajun also told me that i should just try to trust God's providence, and that God will show me the girl that is perfect for me...i believe in all of that, and more..it's just that all these concepts are hard to put into practice..
++ quoth dragonfly at 12:26 AM |